I MEAN THE LACK OF SUCCESS!
I've went on and on here in my blog about my lack of professional success in life, and it's a "woe is me" type of thing. Well, that is not the tone of this post at all. Lately, I've gotten very introspective about my life and what I've actually accomplished(or have not accomplished that is.) I'm really trying to figure out why it is that I've fallen short of my goals in life. And, the thing is, I see this as a teaching opportunity. If I can figure all of this out, make a change in my life, it will show my kids that if you decide to put your mind to something, you can accomplish it. I feel like I have no legs to stand on when I tell them that now, and that if I don't figure this out, I won't have any legs to stand on when I tell them that in the future as they get older.
So many times in my life I've had the opportunity to do what I've always dreamed of doing. As far back as junior high, I've known that I want to teach and coach. I feel in my very soul that I'm meant to do those things. I've been in and out of college in the twenty years since graduating high school, and let every single opportunity go by the wayside. WHY??? That's the question I keep asking myself, and I have no answer for. I've always been told that I'm a very intelligent person, I even tested at genius level once on an IQ test. So, it seems like I'm more than smart enough to finish a Bachelor's Degree. So, there must be something else. I can sit here and make all sorts of excuses for myself such as getting sick during my first semester of college as an 18 year old, continuing to be in poor health as a young adult, and now being sick with my current ailments. BUT, they are all just excuses. So many people in the world have overcome WAY more than what I've had to deal with. So, there must be something else! What I keep asking myself now is, what is it that makes one person able to put everything else aside and accomplish their goals in life, while I sit here wishing I had? Why is that my buddy is living the exact life I have always dreamed of living? He is a football and baseball coach at a good high school, he has a beautiful family, a nice house and car. He is happy. Why was he able to do all that, and I haven't been able to? Now, that's not to say that I'm not happy, because I definitely am, but I want so much more. The fact is, I am going to be without an income in the next couple of months, and I'm not in a position to just go out and get a job that pays any kind of decent wage. For a person without a college degree right now about the only jobs out there are what I left 14 months ago. Stocking shelves, heavy physical labor. Well, as I've told all of you MANY times over, I'm unable to do that anymore. The job(career) I want requires a college education, and I don't have one.
ONCE AGAIN, A ROCK AND A HARD PLACE!
So here I sit trying to figure this all out. I messed up and let the college loans I took out years ago slip into default status. Well, I can't afford to just pay for the classes I need to finish my degree out of my pocket. I also am unable to receive any financial aid to attend college due to my defaulted student loans. On top of that, I am unable to afford to make the nine monthly payments that I need to make in order to get those loans out of default. So what do I do? I really don't even know, and that's the problem. What did I miss in life that made me the person who makes excuses rather than getting things done? Is is something in my DNA, or something NOT in my DNA? Why didn't I realize a long time ago that I NEEDED to get that degree? Why is it that so many other people realize what they need to do in order to reach their goal, do those things, and accomplish what they wanted, yet I don't?
NEED YOUR HELP!
So, I've always heard that the first step to fixing a problem is admitting you have the problem. Well, I know I have this problem, and now I am asking you for help. How do I fix this situation before it gets worse, and more importantly, before my kids slip into the same pattern??? I want my kids to see that if you pull yourself up, you can make it all the way back. I just don't know how to do that. Any thoughts? Please!